EP 65: The LIE of Self-Esteem...Why You DON'T Have to Like Yourself!

For many decades we have been sold a LIE - that you have to like yourself in order to...be happy, to build a life you love, create what you want, have a positive impact.

Not only is that NOT true, it is the opposite of truth! You DON'T actually have to think that you're talented, or beautiful, or kind, or generous, or lovable in order to move forward in your life.

In this podcast we explore why the self-esteem lie is HURTING YOU and how you can experience a beautiful, fulfilling life, even if you never believe you're amazing!

Learn how to "Overcome the Mommy-Guilt" with ONE simple tool! Get it FREE here: https://www.themissiondrivenmom.com/

Podcast Transcript (AI Generated)

I'm excited to have you here with me today. Over the past couple of months, we've talked about the concept of creating. It's a really important idea that we explore in depth in my Mom's Academy and Teen Academy. The fundamental principle is that we are not victims—we are creators. We have the ability to create wonderful, beautiful things.

Look around you. We can take what’s been given to us in the world and transform it into something amazing. We are creating all the time. We create things like chicken soup, a model of a car, or a floor plan. Whatever it is, we are constantly in the act of creation.

But it's not just physical things—we can also be creators in our relationships: our relationship with God, with ourselves, and with the people around us. When we decide that we're going to be creators instead of victims, things go a lot more smoothly.

If you haven’t had a chance to listen to my interview with David Emerald on this topic, I highly recommend going back to that episode. It’s fascinating and full of powerful insights.

If you want to dig deeper into these concepts, I encourage you to join the Mission-Driven Mom Academy and take advantage of that opportunity.

In the meantime, I want to talk to you about one particular aspect of being a creator that’s tied up with the concept of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence—all those hyphenated “self-” ideas we talk about so much. The truth is, the concept of self-esteem is not what it's cracked up to be. It’s actually a lie that could be holding you back.

At first glance, it seems like a great idea. But today, I want to share some important insights that might change the way you think about it. I hope I can do this topic justice, because it’s something I’ve wanted to talk about for a long time. When I first came across this perspective, it really blew my mind. It’s been incredibly helpful for me, and I’ll share some anecdotes and personal experiences to help illustrate it.

Before we dive in, I’d love for you to like and subscribe to the podcast, leave a review, and share it with others. That way, we can grow this community and spread the message of how Truth sets us free.

Today, we're going to talk about the truth behind self-esteem, the truth about you as a creator, and a surprising but powerful principle related to both. It's probably something you’d never expect to be a foundational principle, but when we really think about it—Jesus taught it.

So, I’m going to build out this idea for you and give you an example so that, hopefully, it all clicks.

The concept that Robert Fritz explains is that most of us, in our lives, create an ideal version of ourselves. We imagine who we would like to be—or who we think we should be. This ideal can come from people around us, from the culture we live in, or from our own internal thoughts. Sometimes, we identify a weakness in ourselves—something we don’t like—and we decide that the ideal is the exact opposite of that.

This reminds me of something from StrengthsFinder 2.0, which is one of the self-discovery activities we do in the academies. They give a powerful example that really resonated with me the first time I read it, especially because the movie Rudy was a huge favorite in our family. It was my husband's favorite movie—we owned it on VHS back in the day, and later on DVD. We watched it over and over again.

At the beginning of StrengthsFinder, it talks about how Rudy was constantly trying to compensate for his weaknesses. He put all his energy into becoming a football player, even though he wasn't naturally gifted in that area. Now, of course, it’s an inspiring story of persistence and overcoming odds—doing things people told him he couldn’t do. But the point they make is: imagine how far he could have gone if he had worked with his strengths instead of against his weaknesses.

That idea really stuck with me, because it ties into what Robert Fritz is saying. Often, our ideals are a reaction to what we don’t like about ourselves. Maybe someone told us we were impatient, or we noticed ourselves flying off the handle too often. So, we create an ideal version of ourselves who is always calm and patient. Then we measure ourselves against that image. If we do something patient, we feel like we are patient. If we slip up, then we believe we’re not.

The problem, according to Fritz, is that this sets up what he calls an ideal-reality conflict. We’ve built this tension between who we are and who we think we should be. And while I do think this tendency is part of human nature, I also believe the whole self-confidence and self-esteem movement has amplified it and, in some ways, made it worse.

In many self-help spaces, we’re given advice and frameworks that aren't actually helpful. So we build up this ideal-reality conflict. We desperately want to reach the ideal, but we never quite get there. Every decision we make, every action we take, is measured against this ideal.

In this model, success means you are a success, and failure means you are a failure. Your identity becomes completely wrapped up in whether or not you can reach this ideal. And that ideal often reflects other people’s goals for us—or it’s a direct compensation for the flaws we believe we have.

So, for example, if someone once told you that you were impatient, or you’ve noticed that you tend to lose your temper, you may decide that your ideal is to be a perfectly patient person. Then, if you do something patient, you feel validated. But if you mess up, you feel like a failure. It becomes a constant cycle of judgment.

On the surface, this may sound like a good idea—trying to be better, trying to improve. But here’s the issue: your motivations get distorted. You're no longer patient because it's a good or loving thing to do. You're not making wise choices because they serve others or align with truth. You're doing it all to eliminate your perceived inadequacies.

You think you’re engaging in the creative process. You think you’re becoming a more ideal version of yourself. But you’re not actually creating. You’re compensating.

Fritz puts it this way: The ideal is meant to be a solution to what you assume to be a problem—your current inadequacies.

I want to read you a quote from his work that really hit me. He says:

“When you impose desirable qualities, admirable attributes, and high standards of accomplishment on yourself, and then attempt to force yourself into living up to these characteristics, you are implying—through the act of forcing yourself—that you are not fine just the way you are.”

The further implication is that there’s something wrong with how you are.

Now, for those of us who genuinely want to grow, to reach our potential, and to push back against this culture-wide message of “just accept yourself as you are,” don’t misunderstand me. I’m going to explain this more in a moment—but this isn't about abandoning growth. It’s also not about blanket self-acceptance in the way that’s commonly promoted today.

Honestly, I believe the current wave of radical self-acceptance—the idea that everything about you is totally fine and you don’t need to change one iota—is a backlash. It’s a reaction to the self-esteem movement that took off in the 1980s. And we’ll talk more about the history of that in a future episode.

But what I think has happened is that, over the past 30 or 40 years, people were taught a certain paradigm. They tried to live by it. They saw that it didn’t really work. It often left them feeling even more miserable. And the result? A societal backlash that says, “Fine. I’m just going to accept myself completely as I am, and I don’t need to change anything.”

Let me give you an example to illustrate how this all works.

You may have heard of Chloe Cole. She’s a well-known detransitioner. When she was younger—around 9 or 10—she began to mature early. By the time she was 11, she had a phone and access to social media. But even before that, she was a tomboy. She loved playing with the boys, and it made her feel good when people said, “You’re just like one of the boys.” She saw boys as stronger, faster, and more capable. But she didn’t want to be a boy—at least, not yet.

As puberty began, she started developing earlier than most, and then she started seeing how girls were portrayed in the media and on social media. She never heard women speak positively about being a woman, a mother, or about pregnancy. Instead, what she saw were highly curated, hyper-feminine, voluptuous images—of women who were extremely curvy and well-endowed.

Chloe began to form an ideal based on those images—an ideal about what she should look like as she matured. But that ideal clashed with her own body. By the time she was 12, she was tall, lanky, skinny, and flat-chested. She looked nothing like the ideal she had internalized.

This created what we call an ideal-reality conflict.

And when that conflict becomes intense enough, it creates real psychological and emotional tension. The greater the gap between your ideal and your reality, the greater that tension becomes. And eventually, for many people, the tension becomes too painful to maintain. So what do they do? Most often, they give up—not on reality, but on the ideal.

They throw in the towel. They say, “I’ve tried like crazy to become that, and I just can’t. So I’m done trying. I’m not going to pursue an ideal anymore. I’m not going to try to be or become anything.”

That’s what happened with Chloe. Her ideal-reality conflict became so overwhelming that she reached a breaking point. Lacking better information and guidance, she concluded that she could never meet the ideal she had set for herself. So, instead of exploring alternative ways to resolve that conflict, she decided she wanted to become a boy.

Social media played a huge role in that. She found online spaces where people gained acceptance, praise, and identity by transitioning. And she believed her only path to peace was to abandon her current reality and become something else entirely.

Sadly, her parents—trusting professionals—went along with it. She was fast-tracked through the process. She was put on puberty blockers at age 13, and by 15, she had undergone a double mastectomy. Then, by 18, she wanted to return to living as a woman. She realized she did want a family, she did want children.

This ideal-reality conflict had caused her immense emotional pain and physical consequences.

The message society sent her was this: If you don’t feel right about yourself—if you don’t like who you are—then something has to radically change. You can't grow, you can't evolve, you can't create a meaningful life unless you first meet your ideal. And if that ideal feels impossible, then something about you must change dramatically.

The problem is, the ideal—whether positive or negative—distorts our understanding of ourselves. And it all comes back to the beliefs we hold about who we are.

In Chloe’s case, she believed something untrue about herself. And when she couldn’t measure up to the false ideal she had constructed, she gave up on herself—when in fact, there was another way.

This dynamic also plays out in the religious space. Some people grow up immersed in religion, but without a true conversion experience or a deep understanding of grace, faith, and how those principles help bridge the gap between who we are and who we’re becoming.

When they fail to live up to the religious ideal, they begin to feel defeated. They start to believe that religion itself is the problem—that it has shoved this impossible standard down their throats. And because they’ve tried and failed repeatedly to meet that standard, they become exhausted and disillusioned.

They conclude, “This is miserable. I’m never going to measure up. I give up.”

So, people end up throwing in the towel. They try to alleviate the overwhelm, the stress, the ideal-reality conflict they feel by simply tossing out religion. They believe they can reduce the tension and emotional pain by lowering the ideal—by lowering the standards.

But here’s what’s interesting: that strategy doesn’t bring long-term peace or lasting growth.

It turns out, religion wasn’t actually the source of the conflict. The real problem was the wrong ideal—the one we created, often unconsciously. So when we lower our standards in hopes of feeling better, we don’t elevate ourselves. In fact, we often stagnate or regress.

People think religion has forced these oppressive, impossible standards on them, and that’s why they’re struggling with low self-esteem. So they walk away from it. But over time, many discover that they still can't progress in life without some kind of standard. And to keep growing, those standards must continually be raised.

What religion does—true religion—is simply hold up the highest and best standards available to humanity. The ideal-reality conflict wasn’t manufactured by religion; it was manufactured by you—by what you believed about yourself in relation to those ideals.

Here’s what’s happening in this conflict: we hold certain beliefs about ourselves, and we realize we’re not living up to them. So we try to behave our way into a different identity.

Robert Fritz gives a compelling example of this in his book. He talks about a woman who believes deep down that she is bad, and she desperately wants to be good. So, she begins doing all these “good” things—thinking that if she just does enough of them, it will make her good.

But here’s the truth: your actions don't make you good. You don’t become good or bad based solely on your behavior. And that’s what makes this whole dynamic so fascinating—and destructive. It becomes a feedback loop.

One example you might relate to is the use of affirmations. Pretty much everyone in the self-help world will tell you to do affirmations. “Tell yourself you’re beautiful. Tell yourself you’re successful. Put pictures on your wall. Speak it into existence.”

But here’s the problem: if you put a picture of a thin person on your wall and you tell yourself, “I’m skinny,” when you know you're not, your subconscious mind isn’t fooled. You’re not stupid. Deep down, you know the truth. And that very act—of putting up that image and reciting that affirmation—reinforces the belief you don’t want.

Your mind thinks: Only someone who is overweight would need to tell herself she’s skinny. So now, even though you're saying something positive, your internal belief is being reinforced in the negative. The affirmation becomes a daily reminder of what you believe you’re not.

This is something I actually noticed years ago. I had an intuition about it—I just didn’t quite know how to articulate it until I read Fritz. And then it all clicked. That’s why I’ve always focused so heavily on true statements instead of generic affirmations.

When you're stuck in this ideal-reality-belief conflict, affirmations often serve as part of a negative feedback loop. You’re trying to convince yourself of something you don’t believe. And each time you do, you’re inadvertently reinforcing the unwanted identity.

Fritz explains that motivation tells the whole story. If you’re doing something to get others’ approval, or to disprove a poor self-image, or to fix something you believe is wrong with you, your actions are rooted in self-rejection.

You think:
“I have to keep doing this because I’m bad.”
“I have to keep doing this because I’m dumb.”
“I have to keep doing this because I’m ugly or fat or lazy or unlovable.”

So you hold up an ideal and you keep doing the affirmations and the behaviors, but your core belief about yourself remains unchanged—and that belief continues to sabotage your growth.

Because good deeds don’t equal goodness. And intelligent work doesn’t equal intelligence. You can’t work your way into worthiness. You can’t change your beliefs simply by acting differently—because every time you do something motivated by the desire to fix a wrong belief, you actually reinforce that belief within yourself.

You’re constantly telling yourself, “I would only be doing this if I believed this about myself.”

And when you don’t live up to the ideal you’ve created, you adopt certain coping strategies. One major strategy—especially common among women—is self-admonishment.

Let’s say your ideal is something like:

• Kids who always obey
• A perfectly clean house
• Never raising your voice
• Always feeling fulfilled and joyful

You’ve either adopted this ideal from the culture or created it based on your experiences. Either way, it becomes a rigid standard that you believe you must meet in order to be “good.”

And when you fall short of that standard—because of course you will, you’re human—you beat yourself up. You tell yourself you're not enough, not capable, not doing it right. And you think that self-admonishment will deter the behavior.

But it’s a vicious cycle.

It often begins with the phrase, “If I were a good mom…”

• If I were a good mom, my kids would always obey.
• If I were a good mom, the house would be clean.
• If I were a good mom, I would feel fulfilled every moment of the day.

And when you inevitably don’t meet those standards, you beat yourself up. Then you realize you shouldn’t be beating yourself up—so you beat yourself up for beating yourself up.

Sound familiar? My hand is raised right there with you.

I’ve done it so many times. And I’ve alluded to this before on the podcast, but it was profound for me: I had created an equation in my mind that went like this—if I check certain boxes and do certain things, then my children will turn out a certain way.

I believed that if I lived up to the ideal, they would live up to the ideal—and then we would have the ideal family.

But who was I to dictate what choices my children should make? I wasn’t thinking about it that way at the time—I just thought, “This is how it works.”

But I was doing both myself and my children a huge disservice by holding all of us hostage to my ideal.

Now, I want to be clear: this does not mean we shouldn’t grow, or progress, or have goals and aspirations. That’s not what I’m saying.

Ideals are not the same as goals.

Goals are targets. Aspirations are motivators. But ideals are like china dolls—fragile, untouchable, set up on a shelf. If you tamper with them, they break. And that’s because they’re not created for growth. They’re created to fix a perceived problem. They’re created as a way to force ourselves into becoming something we believe we’re not.

Another destructive way we deal with this kind of internal conflict is by seeking therapy. Now, therapy can be helpful in many cases—but often, it’s not effective in these situations. Why? Because many therapists don’t recognize that you’re caught in an ideal-reality conflict—a feedback loop you’re unknowingly reinforcing.

You could spend months or even years in therapy before someone helps you realize that you’re just stuck in a pattern—trying to change a belief in a way that actually strengthens it.

Here’s how that works:

Let’s say I try to affirm that I’m not overweight, or that I don’t ever yell at my kids, or that my house is always perfectly clean. Every time I set that ideal, or speak that language, or measure myself against that standard—and fall short—I just reinforce the idea that I’m not enough.

It becomes a constant, exhausting loop:
“I’m less than. I can’t do it. I’m not who I should be.”

And when I’m constantly focused on what’s broken in me, I care for myself less—not more. I nurture myself less. I feel worthy of love and care less.

Because this ideal-reality-belief conflict tricks me into thinking I’m focused on the ideal. But I’m not. I’m actually just obsessed with the problem.

That’s what happened with Chloe. She thought she was pursuing an ideal, but she was really just consumed by the belief that something was wrong with her.

And when we dive into “The Power of TED” and some of the content we’re planning for the coming year, you’ll see this even more clearly. We’re going to explore how so many of our ways of being are actually problem-focused—and how to shift into solution-focused living. There are simple tools to help you flip that switch.

Another strategy we use to cope with the pressure of the ideal is, as I mentioned earlier, to throw everything away. That’s what Chloe did. She felt she could never reach her ideal, so she abandoned her womanhood in pursuit of becoming someone else. That didn’t work either.

And many people do the same thing in their lives. They say, “Every time I set a goal, or say an affirmation, or make a plan, I just feel worse about myself.” And that’s true—because they’re reinforcing a belief that they’re deficient and trying to fix it through external change.

So, let’s go back in time a bit.

David Hume was one of the first modern thinkers to promote the idea that we need to think well of ourselves in order to reach our potential. Now, of course, some version of this has existed throughout history—ideas do tend to recycle—but Hume made it very explicit.

He essentially said that if you want to accomplish something, if you want to become a creator, if you want to show up for your family, your work, your life—you first need to like yourself. He equated self-regard with capability.

Then came William James, who built on that and added psychological structure—like the four parts of the self. Later, these ideas were infused with elements of Marxism and Freudianism, and then in the 1960s, Morris Rosenberg came along.

He’s the one who really coined the phrase and formalized the concept of self-esteem.

Morris Rosenberg really put self-esteem “on the map” when he created the Self-Esteem Scale. In the 1980s, this concept started getting handed out in schools all across the country. To give you a sense of how it was framed, the materials would include statements like:

“Why is self-esteem important? To a large extent, it determines people’s behavior. People’s behavior is usually closely related to how they feel about themselves. For example, if you believe you can be successful at many things you try, chances are you will try more and more things—and get better at doing them in the process. Self-esteem is one of the factors in increased motivation, involvement in learning, and successful performance in relationships and occupations. People who do not have positive feelings suffer from feelings of unworthiness,” and so on.

So what was being handed to children was this equation:
You won’t be able to accomplish much unless you feel good about yourself.
Therefore, you need to create an ideal version of who you want to be—and work toward that ideal. And above all, you need to feel good about yourself.

What we've ended up with is two full generations of people who’ve been taught that feeling good about yourself is the starting point for everything. But now we’re seeing suicidality on the rise. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks—all increasing. Of course, there are other contributing factors like diet and lifestyle, but one thing is clear: chasing self-esteem isn’t working. Constantly focusing on how we feel about ourselves isn’t even helpful—much less the best way to live.

Still, back in school, these kids were encouraged to take self-assessments like this one:

“People generally like me.”
“I am comfortable talking in class.”
“I like to do new things.”
“I give in very easily.”
“I am a failure.”
“I hate the way I look.”
“I have trouble making up my mind.”

After completing the survey, students would tally up their score and be told if they had high, medium, or low self-esteem—and then they were encouraged to work on improving it.

The core message?
You’ll accomplish big, important things in life—but only if you like yourself first.

But here's the truth: this idea isn’t grounded in reality.

If you and I studied the lives of the greatest men and women in history—those who’ve done the most meaningful and impactful things—we would often find they didn’t necessarily think highly of themselves. In some cases, they hadn’t even thought much about how they felt about themselves. It simply wasn’t their focus.

So how do we untangle this?

How do we work toward meaningful goals and outcomes?
How do we become creators in the world—from building a beautiful wall, to creating a loving home, a strong marriage, or a purposeful life?

If feeling good about ourselves isn’t the first step, then what is?

And I think this is part of the reason why so many people go to therapy. They’ve internalized this belief: “I’m not accomplishing things because I don’t feel good about myself.” So they go looking for tools or techniques to boost self-esteem—hoping that will unlock growth or productivity.

But here’s the shift we need to make:

👉 Our goal is not to feel good about ourselves.

It’s not to convince ourselves that we’re amazing, adventurous, attractive, talented, confident, popular, or talkative. Because if we’re being honest, most of us wouldn’t say “yes” to all those statements on the self-esteem surveys. And that’s okay.

So how do we move forward?

We start by discerning objective reality.

We do something simple—but powerful:
We get radically honest about what we truly believe about ourselves.
We accept that this is how we feel—without trying to immediately change or fix it.

One of the first steps in the process Fritz outlines is discerning between what we desire and what we believe we deserve.

He asks a woman in his work, “What are some of your desires?” And, by and large, most people—when they dig deep—desire good things. The things they truly want in life are often wholesome, meaningful, and aligned with their values.

People want meaningful relationships. They want to be good neighbors. They want to take a relaxing vacation. They want to be good parents or strong leaders at work. But often, they feel like they don’t deserve those things.

Fritz uses an interesting example: If you won the lottery tomorrow, would you take the money or say, “No, I don’t deserve it”?
Of course, you’d take the money. Why? Because what you desire and what you believe you deserve are not the same thing.

You are not your things. You are not your experiences. You are not your relationships. You are the observer of all those things. You are separate from them. You are even separate from your desires—and whether or not you deserve them is irrelevant to whether or not you want them. Desire exists regardless.

And when you are truly honest with yourself about how you feel about yourself, it sets you free to determine what you want to create in life.

Let me read you a few quotes from Fritz, because in some places, he says it better than I could.

First, he calls the self-esteem assessment “psychological propaganda,” and says it misleads people in three significant ways:

1. It suggests that self-esteem determines your ability to live a successful life.
   That’s a lie. How you feel about yourself doesn’t determine whether you can succeed or pursue and achieve what you desire.
2. It tells you that if you have doubts about yourself—or if you don’t like your current circumstances—you have low self-esteem.
   But those are not the same thing. Doubt and dissatisfaction do not automatically mean low self-esteem.
3. It tells you to adopt their definition of what a successful person looks like.
   According to their standard, a successful person is adventurous, loves the way they look, enjoys speaking in class, and is outgoing and confident.
   But that’s simply not true for everyone, and it’s certainly not the only path to success.

He gives an incredible example to illustrate this. A standardized math test was given to 13-year-olds across six countries. The Koreans came in first. The Americans came in last.
But when students were asked to respond to the statement, “I am good at math”, the Koreans came in last, and the Americans were number one.

In other words, the American students felt confident about their math skills, but their actual performance said otherwise. Meanwhile, the Korean students doubted their ability but performed better than anyone else.

So what does this tell us?

👉 Believing you're good at something doesn’t make you good at it.
👉 Believing you're bad at something doesn’t mean you’re not good at it.

There is no strong correlation between self-perception and ability.

He writes:

“If you begin to explore your own undesired beliefs, do not conduct it as a search-and-destroy mission.
If you begin with the bias that it’s not okay to hold undesired opinions, it will be hard for you to admit to yourself what you actually believe.”

In other words, be honest.
Don’t resist the truth of what you think about yourself—even if you don’t like it. If you try to force it away or deny it, you’ll only reinforce the unwanted belief.

He continues:

“You may or may not have undesired beliefs about yourself.
If you ask questions that lead you toward discovering those beliefs, don’t veer away from the answers—even if they contradict an ideal you’ve been trying to uphold.
Rather than attempting to talk yourself out of these beliefs, get to know them.
Do not attempt to rid yourself of them, because that will only reinforce the belief you don’t like.”

For example, if you don’t like your nose, is there anything someone could say to make you like your nose? Probably not. And if you spend your life waiting for just the right person, or just the right wording, or just the right situation that finally helps you “love” your nose—you’re going to waste a lot of time chasing the impossible.

Here’s the truth:
Some of the most successful people in the world hold beliefs about themselves they don’t like.
But they were able to acknowledge those beliefs—and independent of those beliefs, still create what mattered most to them.

To create a life that is meaningful and worthy of your time on Earth, you do not need to think you’re amazing.
You do not need to be in love with yourself.

Fritz writes:

“The exploration I have done in the area of self-opinion and the creative process leads me to this conclusion:
It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself.
And what you think of yourself will have no impact on your creative process.”

To truly be a creator—of a relationship with God, with your spouse or your children, of a career, a home, a garden, a legacy—what you believe about yourself doesn’t matter.

It doesn't make you more or less capable of achieving your goals.

You can think you’re great at math and still come in last.
You can think you’re terrible at math and still come in first.

Fritz even says that if self-esteem truly helped people be creators, he’d be in favor of it.

But I haven’t seen good results come out of these practices. In fact, from my experience training tens of thousands of people in the creative process, I’ve seen the opposite. A focus on self-esteem can actually hold people back from being effective in creating what they want.

Why?

Because self-opinion rarely lives up to our ideals, and that becomes the center of our attention. A focus on self dominates our actions. And it doesn't work. It keeps us focused inward—on ourselves—instead of on what we’re creating.

This is the simple principle that Jesus taught:

“Whoever loses their life shall find it.”

We don’t need to be hyper-focused on whether we’re “all that.” Constantly asking, “Am I good enough?” will never lead to breakthrough. You won’t find your true self by obsessing over yourself.

Let me tell you a story.
My oldest sister, Sheridan Flint—I've done a couple of podcast episodes about her—passed away three years ago. She was like a second mom to me.

When she was in high school, she had severe acne and carried the scars of it throughout her life. Our family was poor, so there weren't many options for treatments. She never grew very tall. She never felt particularly beautiful. She didn’t think of herself as especially smart or talented.
And yet, when she passed away, she was the mayor of her town. And the entire town came out to grieve.

Why?

Because she had taken her eyes off of herself. She focused instead on other people. She loved animals. She loved horseback riding. She loved government, reading, video games. And she simply embraced those loves. She shared them with others. She included people in the things that brought her joy. And because of that, she formed meaningful, lasting relationships. People adored her.

She didn’t do that by focusing on building self-esteem.
She did it by creating a life she loved—by focusing on what she could give, not what she lacked.

When you believe that how you feel about yourself determines your ability to succeed, you get caught in a loop. You fixate on your flaws. You set up an ideal and constantly measure yourself against it. You beat yourself up. You stay stuck in the past. You never move forward.

I tell people this all the time:
You don’t always think super highly of yourself—and that’s okay. Fritz says this over and over:

Why do you have to think you're amazing? Why do you have to like yourself? What's wrong with believing you're unworthy, or insignificant, or bad?

He’s right. Maybe you are insignificant in the grand scheme. Maybe you are flawed. We’re all flawed. From a Christian standpoint, we’re sinners. But that doesn’t disqualify us from creating something beautiful. Because you are not your creations.

Let me explain.
Say you want to create a painting. What’s the first thing we do?
We self-assess: “Can I paint?”
“Am I good at it?”
“Do I have what it takes?”

And here’s the problem: You can’t answer those questions truthfully if you’ve never done it before.
You're basing your answer on the past.
But if you're trying to create something new, the past doesn’t help.

So what happens?
You talk yourself out of trying.

It’s like saying apple trees can only grow to a certain height because you once saw a short apple tree. You have no idea how tall an apple tree can grow—and you have no idea what your potential is—until you give yourself the chance to grow.

My sister didn’t marry until her thirties. I remember her coming to my house one day and saying, “I want to get married. I want to have a family. I want to create that.” But then came all the self-assessment:
“I’ve never done this.”
“I don’t feel beautiful.”
“I’m not sure men are attracted to me.”

And every time she asked those questions, she held herself back. She stayed stuck in the past. But eventually, she stopped asking. She started focusing on what she wanted to create—a family. And she moved forward.

We all do this.
We think: “I’m rude. So I need to affirm every day that I’m kind and patient and warm.”
But that only reinforces the belief that you're not. You wouldn’t have to tell yourself that if you actually believed it.

Here’s what I tell my students:
Lose yourself.
Let go of victim-mode, self-pity, and constant self-evaluation.
Ask instead: What is worth creating?

Then, like Fritz says—write it out.
Write all the things you don’t like about yourself. Be honest. Get it on paper.
Then set it aside. And ask yourself, “What is worth my time and effort?”

Michelangelo didn’t think highly of himself. He wasn’t known for being particularly self-loving. But he created anyway. And with every piece he created, his confidence in his ability grew—because creation builds belief, not the other way around.

So if your self-esteem feels like it’s in the tank, here's what to do:

1. Be honest about it.
2. Acknowledge it.
3. Then set it aside.
4. And ask: What’s the next thing worth creating?

Don’t stop yourself before you’ve tried.
Don't ask if you can do it—you haven’t done it yet, so the answer will be no.
Try anyway.

Lose yourself in the creation. Love it enough to bring it into being. Because when you create something meaningful, it enriches not just your life—but the lives of others.

And here's one last thought:

If you have a vision—whether it’s a business, a dream, a relationship—you probably have that vision for a reason.
And you won’t know if you can create it until you try.

So stop asking whether you feel capable.
Ask instead: Is it worth creating?

We cannot live up to the idealized versions of ourselves.
So we should stop trying.
And we should stop fearing the thoughts and beliefs we hold about ourselves—because no one else can change those beliefs for us.

But here’s what we can do:

We can serve—for the sake of that which is served.

For Karen Bates, it’s orphans in Mexico.
For others, it’s their children.
For me—it’s this podcast.

I study. I reflect. I learn. I grow. And I share it with you. Because I want you to have this information. And my best episodes are never the ones where I’m worrying about whether I’m “good enough” to be a podcaster.

In fact, when I let that voice take over—“No one cares. I’m not any good.”—I stop podcasting.

But when I remember why I’m doing it—when I focus on the people who need this message—I move forward.
And here’s the message:

Self-esteem is a lie.
It’s holding you back.
You don’t have to feel good about yourself to do something meaningful.
You don’t have to assess whether you can do something before you start.
You just have to decide that the thing is worth creating.
And then—create it.

Let me leave you with these final words from Fritz:

“Is it useful to discover what you think of yourself? Perhaps.
Do you need to work on your opinion of yourself? No.
Will you hold yourself back if you do not entirely like yourself? No.
Is it wise to pursue self-esteem training or self-enhancement techniques? No.
In fact, those practices may work against you—because they drive your focus inward.
And that makes it harder to create what you want.
Since you are not your creations, what difference does your self-opinion make in the creative process?
None. Because you are separate from your creations.”

Thank you so much for joining me today.
I would love to hear from you—your experiences, your struggles, your victories. Share your stories in the comments about how you found yourself when you stopped trying to “find yourself”—and just started creating.

Focus on the service you’re rendering.
Focus on what you're creating.
And everything else will fall away.

See you next time. 💛